Rude Cartoons!

The following cartoons illustrate a FILTHY comic poem I used to perform (with the cartoons on a flipchart) around the Clubs in London.

Can you work out the story by looking at the cartoons?

Anyone who’s curious to see the original MIND-NUMBINGLY DEPRAVED and disgusting poem, just PM me and I’ll point you in the right direction!

Short Poem

Short Poem
Napoleon Bonaparte, Queen Victoria,
Ronnie Corbett, Frankie Dettori,
Mohamed Al Fayed, Carla from Cheers,
Angus Deayton, Ben Elton,
Michael J Fox, Red Skelton
Red Buttons, Dustin Hoffman,
And in built-up shoes,
Tom Cruise.
Lester Piggott, Mickey Rooney,
Ian Hislop, Rosemary Clooney
Lulu, Robin Cook, Dudley Moore,
Jimmy Clitheroe, Danny DeVito,
Lou Costello, Robert DeNiro
Al Pacino, Quentin Tarantino,
And in built-up shoes,
Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise

Burger King Innuendo – Cartoon Poem

Burger King Innuendo – The Aubergine Version

I was tired,
I was starving
I came upon a Burger King

Burger King

I was served
quite ungaily
by the undelightful Hayley.

Burger King Hayley

Her pale face
strangely had all
the charm of a whitewashed wall.
She was up
to her armpits
in french fries and greasy bits.
Her trousers
were far from clean,
being the colour of an aubergine.

Burger King 3

‘A Veggie
Whopper meal, please.
And could you leave out the cheese?’
‘Would you like
to go large on that?’
she said in a voice dull and flat.

Burger King 4

I thought of
my burger in her buns,
remembering what they say about the quiet ones.
I’m married,
happy with my station.

I had to ignore this blatant flirtation.

Burger King 5

I ate my meal,
not another word spoken
and left Hayley – probably heartbroken.

The London Caricaturist does Poetry!

The Queue

How sad to see the line of lonely
people in the queue for ‘one basket only’
buying Pot Noodles and Heinz Baked Beans,
Boil-In-The-Bag Rice and tinned sardines.

The student full of spots and specs
Cursed by the hex of solo sex
wonders if his love life will
be improved by Clearasil.

The singleton with her Tampax,
racked with nerves and panic attacks,
tries to focus on her career
whenever there’s a pushchair near.

The accountant on his lunchbreak,
takes a sandwich to the lake;
a tiny retreat from his boring life
of dead ambition and nagging wife.

The widow demands all the latest goss:
as much as poss to forget her loss.
She hasn’t noticed as others do:
that she’s still buying meals for two.

The swinger with his hair greased back,
in faded slacks and anorak,
buys condoms for his bed-hopping
nights of drugs and wife-swapping.

The strange lady who’s not quite right
in night attire and tights too bright
lives in a schizophrenic haze
of tobacco-stained and gin-soaked days

The old man on his final length
with his six-pack Tennent’s Extra Strength:
meeting oblivion is his mission
in front of daytime television.

‘One basket only’, ”Six items or less’
witnesses failure more than success.
But cruel life tries to make this true:
we’re bound to end up in the same queue.

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